A man has raised the standards of drunken feats by revealing he once asked Denmark to let him borrow the country of Greenland after having one too many drinks.
Joe, of Salem, Oregon, recounted how, after having three 'rum drinks', he felt a strong yearning for a land he could call his own.
'My job put me right around the poverty line, so purchasing any large plot of land would be vastly unreasonable,' Joe wrote on Bored Panda earlier this week. He then explained that he realized it would take him too long to earn enough money to purchase land, and thus decided to ask whether he could borrow some.
Well, that's original: Joe, of Salem, Oregon, took to Bored Panda earlier this week to recount how he once asked to borrow the country of Greenland
Point taken: The man actually took it upon himself to make the case as to why he should be chosen to rule Greenland, pointing out he had 'managerial experience'
Joe settled on Greenland, for reasons that remain unclear to him even to this day—although he admitted he might have been inspired by the globe next to his mini bar.
'After a brief couple reconnaissance searches, rum-brain decided that this gigantic island wasn't profitable enough for Denmark, and thought that it would be polite, nay, GRACIOUS of me to take it off their hands. I mean, one less thing to worry about for them, right?' he added.
Joe thus sent a hilarious email to Denmark, explaining that he wanted to become the ruler of Greenland, an autonomous constituent country located in the Kingdom Of Denmark.
'Hey there!' his missive began.
'My name is Joe, I'm 23, and my friend and I are looking to own a country. Now, since we're young, we wanted to start out small, and wanted to make sure that it was okay with the former owner of that country. We don't want to make any mistakes and end up driving such a fine country into ruin.'
Joe actually took it upon himself to make the case as to why he should be chosen to rule Greenland, pointing out he had 'managerial experience'.
'Nothing on the scale of a country, but… Like smaller, more intricate managing,' he admitted.
'I've PERSONALLY overseen about 5+ people for a few years in one of the United States' 50 largest privately-owned commercial suppliers. And my friend has the charisma and courage needed to be a co-ruler of Greenland, as well.'
The man apparently came to believe his chances of securing Greenland would be higher if her offered something in return, so he offered 'an autograph from Hugh Thomassen' (perhaps referring to the late musician Hughie Thomasson), 'several cans' of Surge, the citrus-flavored soft drink, and his issues of Rolling Stones magazine, which he said he'd have to read before he parted with them.
'We can also share Xbox games. Do you have Titanfall? That'd be sweet. I hear it's good,' Joe added.
His email ended with: 'In advance, thank you for the 836,109 square miles of land. We really appreciate it. If you need to contact me back, you can do so at the email you're receiving this from: [Redacted]@comcast.net.'
It gets better: While it would have been easy to not pay attention to Joe's email, Denmark's Ministry Of Foreign Affairs apparently responded to his request with a kind message
Choice: Greenland is an autonomous constituent country located in the Kingdom Of Denmark. Joe can't remember exactly why he chose it in his quest to have a land of his own
While it would have been easy to not pay attention to Joe's email, Denmark's Ministry Of Foreign Affairs apparently responded to his request with a kind message.
Joe shared a copy of an email with the ministry's signature typed at the bottom.
'Dear Joe age 23. Thank you for your mail,' it reads.
'We like the fact that you dream big. And you never know if your dreams one day are going to come true.
WHAT IS GREENLAND LIKE?
Greenland, an autonomous Danish territory, with a population comprised between 56,000 and 57,000 people.
With a surface of 836,109 square miles, it is the largest island in the world.
About 80 per cent of its territory is covered by a vast ice cap, making it the world's second largest ice body after the Antarctic.
Greenland is the country with the highest known suicide rate, and also experiences higher rates of unemployment and alcoholism.
'But in the matter of us giving you Greenland, it is not possible. But thank you for asking.'
The reply then asks Joe to consider starting small on his dream to borrow Greenland, and perhaps consider applying for a job there instead.
'Here is a job on Greenland where they are looking for a guy who can teach the pupils English,' the email reads next to a link to a job posting. 'That could be you!'
It continues: 'Or maybe just read more about the government of Greenland' next to another link.
'Good luck finding a suitable country,' the message ends. 'Kind regards. MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS OF DENMARK.'
The nice response actually frightened Joe when it first arrived, because the man had fallen asleep right after sending his email and had woken up hours later without a single memory of the Greenland incident.
It wasn't until he read the new email that he started to remember the previous night.
'I was immediately terrified; had I broken laws?' he wrote. 'What law did I break? What was Denmark-jail like? Did they serve those pastries (Danishes) in Danish-jail? Am I too pretty for jail?'
Joe said he ended up showing both emails to his mother, who framed them and placed them in the bathroom to entertain their guests.
He doesn't regret emailing Denmark with his request, but he is sorry about one thing: not applying to the job posting he was referred to.
'Are you listening, Denmark?' he added. 'I'm available.'